I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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