Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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