During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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