Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
