I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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