Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
