he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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