whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
