I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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