i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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