Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
