Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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