So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
