Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
