It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
