Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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