I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
