Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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