I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
