I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
