Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
