I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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