if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
