I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
