Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
