I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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