i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
