I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
