I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
