im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
