T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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