Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
