we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
