He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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