i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
