I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
