The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
And then he peed in my hair
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