i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
