a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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