i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
