so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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