hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
not ubering you a puppy
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
where are my eyebrows?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
