this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.