I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos