if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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