I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
