I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
