fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
