You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
