tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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