we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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