if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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