My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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