I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
